What Happens in the Kitchen
by three-days-late
Summary: Usopp tries to sneak a midnight snack and stumbles across something he probably shouldn't have.


**So, I decided to celebrate Easter this year by writing a story that has absolutely nothing to to with Jesus, revival, or bunnies. Enjoy.**

**And I don't own One Piece. Just in case you mistook me for someone who might.  
**

* * *

Usopp snuck into the galley to steal, no, _liberate_ a midnight snack from the kitchen. It was his watch, so with everybody else asleep, he assumed it was safe.

As he passed the counter thinking about which combinations of Nami and Robin's names he hadn't tried on the refrigerator lock, he noticed there was a note on the counter. The handwriting was rough and the writing itself was scrawled as if the writer wasn't used to writing. _It's probably just Luffy complaining about the lack of meat or something like that,_ Usopp thought, but proceeded to glance at the note anyway. When he saw the words 'romance,' 'salt-beef' 'suicide,' and 'friendship,' his interest was piqued enough to read the entire thing:

_Dear Sanji,_ the note started off, thus confirming that the note was indeed meant for the local love-cook.

_I don't really know how to tell you this, but our romance is over._ Whoa, wait, what? Romance? Sanji was involved with a romance? No one else was on the ship, so it had to have been with someone else in the crew. And Usopp never even realized it! That fact probably surprised the sharpshooter the most, after all, Nami and Robin didn't seem to act any different toward the cook…unless this romance wasn't with one of the girls…Usopp read on:

_I think I realized it when your dog humped my leg in a clown suit and sat on my salt-beef bucket._ So that's what they're calling it these days. Usopp always thought that Sanji would good in bed (not that he thought about it much), but apparently someone wasn't very satisfied if they were willing to end whatever they had with the sea-chef because of it. He read on:

_I'm sure you're high enough to understand that I get turned on only by garbage men._ Usopp didn't know what to be more disturbed by; the fact that Sanji might be into more hardcore drugs than nicotine or the garbage men comment. He decided to ignore both points and continued reading:

_I'm returning the couch cushions to you, but I'll keep your suicide note as a memory._ Couch cushions? Usopp never noticed any couch cushions missing, but then again there were couches all of the Sunny and it was a very big ship, and couch cushions might have just been another euphemism. The suicide note was another alarming detail, both the fact that Sanji was feeling depressed enough to write one and the fact that one of his nakama found it amusing enough to keep as a memento. To hooked to stop reading now, Usopp continued on:

_You should also know that I love your sweet, sweet ass and our friendship is ruined._ Nothing surprising here; everybody on the Sunny knew the cook had a sweet ass, and after a note like this, it was obvious that whatever friendship Sanji and his mystery lover had was down in flames. It did, however, make Usopp sad that two of his nakama would never get along after this. He hoped that no one would have to leave the crew. The note concluded with:

_Please don't hurt me,_ Yeah that's a good one. After breaking up with Sanji, saying he was bad in bed, accusing him of drug usage, admitting some kind of garbage man fetish, bringing up the suicide note, and burning any bridge of friendship that still remained, whoever this was wasn't getting away with their skeleton intact. Unless it actually was one of the girls, or someone who would fight back against the cook no matter what. Someone like…  
_  
Zoro_. Wait, what? Zoro? _Zoro? _Zoro wrote this note to Sanji? So, it was Zoro with the romance and the euphemisms and the garbage-fetish and the couch cushions and the suicide note! Zoro and Sanji had that kind of relationship all along…and Usopp had no idea! Sure it was fun to joke about such things with Franky when they were working together, to for them to have actually been together…and now be breaking up…it was too much for the very confused sniper to handle. Putting the note back where he found it, he slowly backed out of the galley slinked back up to the crow's nest to complete his watch, completely befuddled and more than a bit disturbed.

Several hours later, Sanji came up to the crow's nest to relieve him. "You okay Usopp? You look like you've seen a ghost or something."

"No no. Just a bit tired. Probably shouldn't have taken watch tonight. Ahahaha…"

"Well, go get some sleep I guess…" commented Sanji who did not quite buy it but wasn't going to push for too many detail at this hour.

"Night Sanji." Usopp went down to the men's bunk and tried very _very _hard to not think about Zoro and Sanji and couch cushions and garbage men. Needless to say, the long-nosed sharpshooter did not get much sleep that night.

_

* * *

Three hours earlier…_

Sanji was standing at the sink washing dishes as part of the post-dinner norm. Also per norm was Zoro's drinking at the counter when he was supposed to be helping. What was against all pre-set norms about this scene was Luffy also sitting at the table, looking intently at the notepad he was holding.

"Ne, Zoro, who was the last person you talked to?" Luffy eventually asked.

"Besides this conversation?" said swordsman replied, "Probably the ero-cook over there. Why?"

"Sanji," the captain continued, completely ignoring the first mate, "what colored shirt are you wearing?"

The first-class chef looked down at the black shirt he was currently sporting. "Black. Why?"

"Zoro," Luffy continued, "what month where you born?"

"November. Does this really have a point?"

"Sanji, what's your favorite food?"

"Seafood." He replied simply, deciding that whatever their captain was up to would be revealed when this interrogation was over.

"Zoro, what color are your socks?"

"Not wearing any."

"Really?" Zoro put his bare foot on the counter to prove his point. Sanji kicked his head. "Don't put your disgusting feet on my clean table!"

"Sanji, what color is your underwear?"

"What? Does this really have a point?"

"Yeah, you wouldn't wear underwear pervert-cook."

"Hey! Don't put me on your level! It's blue, I just don't see why-"

"Zoro," Luffy interrupted, "if you had to pick between Lost, Heroes, or House, which would you pick?"

"What does that even-"

"Lost. You're always lost anyway." Sanji answered for him.

"That still doesn't explain what that was about…and I don't get lost, the scenery just changes around me."

"Riiiight…"

"Sanji, what's your mood right now?"

"A bit bored actually. Maybe if I had some help with these dishes…"

"Yeah, right, and give you something _else_ to bitch to me about."

"Sanji, what's your favorite color."

"Blue."

"Wait, you just did Sanji."

"That's what she said…" This comment got Zoro's now empty mug chucked at Sanji's head.

"Oh sorry." Luffy continued, ignoring the last comment. "The next two are Zoro's then. What's the first letter of your first name?"

"Um, Z."

"What's the last letter of your last name?"

"A."

"Wow, those were some _truly_ entertaining questions there."

"Shut up. At least I have a last name." The empty mug was chucked back at Zoro's head.

"Sanji, what's your preferred drink?"

"Wine I guess."

"God forbid you actually pick a manly drink." Lacking the empty mug to toss at Zoro's head, Sanji settled for just kicking it.

"Zoro, where would you like to take a vacation?"

"You're starting to sound like Kuma. Germany I guess."

"Where the hell is that Marimo?"

"I don't know. It's just the first thing that popped into my head."

"Sanji, who was the last person you talked to?"

"Um, Zoro."

"Yosh. All done!"Luffy cleared his throat and began:

"_Dear Sanji,_

_I don't really know how to tell you this, but our romance is over. I think I realized it when your dog humped my leg in a clown suit and sat on my salt-beef bucket. I'm sure you're high enough to understand that I get turned on only by garbage men. I'm returning the couch cushions to you, but I'll keep your suicide note as a memory. You should also know that I love your sweet, sweet ass and our friendship is ruined._

_Please don't hurt me,  
Zoro."_

"…what the hell was that?" Zoro asked.

"It's a game Robin gave to me. I think it's called Lab Mibs or something."

"Mad Libs. Yeah, I've heard of that." Sanji chimed in, "but Luffy, you were supposed to fill in the answers we gave you, not make up your own."

"Mine were better."

"Then what were those random questions for?" Sanji wondered aloud.

"Hm? Oh, I was just curious I guess."

"You _guess_?"

Zoro went over to the table and peered at the paper over Luffy's shoulder before tearing that page out of the notepad and heading back to the counter. "'_I think I realized it when your dog humped my leg in a clown suit and sat on my salt-beef bucket_?'" he quoted. "Well, that's a euphemism for sex if I ever heard one. I guess you're not very good in bed if I'm ending our passionate romance over it, love-cook," he joked.

"Well, I'm sorry I'm not trashy enough for you to get turned on by Marimo." Sanji shot back.

"Hey, I'm not the one on drugs here."

"At least I haven't stooped to stealing couch cushions, or whatever you're trying to return to me."

"But those were obviously remembrances of our passionate love for each other! As a hopeless romantic I thought you'd be into things like that. And it never says I stole them per say, just that I'm returning them."

"Well my lovely Marimo-chan, the at least it's better than what you're allegedly getting out of this failed relationship of ours, which just seems to be my overly-passionate suicide note and my sweet, sweet ass, simply to remember what you're giving up."

All three of them proceeded to crack up. Sanji finished the dishes and said, "Well, that was entertaining. I should remember to thank Robin-chan for that tomorrow."

"Pft, you would." Zoro received a kick to the head.

"C'mon. It's getting late and I have the late watch tonight. Get your asses out of my kitchen." The three proceeded out of the galley and down to the men's bunk.

_

* * *

They next day…_

"Oi, Marimo."

"What? I was sleeping."

"Is it just me or is Usopp going out of his way to avoid us?"

"Yeah, I've been getting that feeling too. Plus he keeps giving me these weird glances."

"Think maybe he found your well-written and extremely thought-out out rejection letter to me?"

It took Zoro a few seconds for what Sanji said to make sense. When he did he chuckled. "I guess. Think we should tell him the truth?"

"Yeah…eventually…"

_**~Fin~**_


End file.
